Bars of soap made: 100+…waiting (and trying not to stress over the shipping status of the soap beveler I need for pretty soap) to be cleaned and packaged!
Left to get: Work gloves and scarves for the parents of our sponsored child
Donations received: $2050…wow…so thankful and I’m so excited to share some soap and thanks with you guys!!
Yesterday was a day of contemplation and maybe just a little unexpected anxiety for me so today I’m trying to sort it all out. I thought I’d have a blog post up already, full of pictures of the goodies all packed and ready for Rwanda but apparently, I’ll be doing a last minute rush of packaging soap and weighing my bags. But that’s not the source of my anxiety. I’m sure the seasoned short term missions person understands this feeling, but since I’m not at all experienced, it came as a surprise to me. I was just ironing shirts for Jim and going over my mental list of to-do’s and ruminating over the research I’ve been doing about Rwanda and then it hit: “What was I thinking?????” Why on earth did I think this was a good idea and that I had any business going on this trip? What do I possibly have to offer these women from my position of American privilege without actually doing more harm than good? And that was just the beginning of the rampage of questions I asked myself while ironing. (I hate ironing, by the way, for years I refused to even do it, maybe I should have stuck with that).
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| My new friend, he comes by most every day now! |
The reality of what I’m facing as i go, which at this point is just in my mind, started to hit me and I realized: I have never known lack. Never. In whiney American terms, maybe a little, but from a world view, not at all. Never. I’ve never been truly hungry or homeless, never gone without new shoes and clothes or been abused. I have known loss. Deep, soul shattering, I might not ever recover loss. But these people, they have known it all and continue to live in poverty. Anyone I meet that’s as old as my children will have a story to tell of a time when people were murdered in the streets by their own countrymen and families were ripped apart or wiped out altogether. In the same way I sit with my kids and recall our favorite Christmas memories in 1994, they could recall the days they lost everything and the devil took over their entire country. Yeah, that. What could I possibly offer in the face of that?
During our time with the women and children in Rwanda, I will be asked to share a short testimony from my life with Jesus. Here, at home, when I share my entire testimony, most people find it overwhelming and I usually end up apologizing for the “shotgun of horror” leveled at them. Even though I lived it, but thank God for His healing grace and restoration. But, there, everyone has a horror story far worse than mine. So as I think about all of that, I haven’t even begun to consider what I will share.
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| New flowers! |
I know there is one thing I have to always consider in any circumstance where I feel ill equipped to make a difference and do good. God is with me. It remains to be seen why He called me to go to Africa and even though I was surprised by His YES, I know He has a purpose and a wonderful plan for me AND the people I will meet there. I’ve been praying for our team, and as I read through the “Helping Without Hurting” book (want to challenge your American narcissism? give it a look see, if you dare) I’m continually convicted and humbled and desperate for God to move in spite of us and change us all in the process. I pray that we would have a positive impact and leave behind hope and a sense of sisterhood and not a mine field of ignorant hurt that requires damage control. Not even close to the prayer I prayed when I submitted my application. Amen.
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